The Unified Sandwich Framework

Is a Pop-tart a sandwich? A simple question, but any answer must probe the very essence of what it means to be a sandwich. Previous attempts include the Sandwich Alignment Chart, which answers what kind of person calls a pop-tart a sandwich, and the Cube Rule, which answers under what conditions might a Pop-tart be called a sandwich, but their conclusions are tempered by their inability to recognize a fundamental truth: everything is a sandwich, to some extent. The critical question is not is a Pop-tart a sandwich but rather how sandwichy is a Pop-tart, and the Unified Sandwich Framework (USF) provides the path to an answer in quantifiable terms. Within the USF, the purity of any sandwich can be assesed by assigning scores to its five facets sandwichdom: structure, composition, geometry, temporality, and intellection.

Structure

The arrangement of elements

An ideal sandwich consists of some number of ingredients fixed between two samples of a different ingredient. A sandwich's structure score does not reflect the ingredients themselves, only their arrangement as a whole. Take for example an aluminum composite panel - two thin aluminum sheets bonded to a non-aluminum core. This is structurally similar to a grilled cheese despite the fact that aluminum is inedible. More abstractly, sequences of events can have a high structural score when sampled over time. What is a day but a time of light between times of dark, a week but a time of labor between times of rest, and a life but one's experience between birth and death?

Composition

The parts in proportion

An ideal sandwich is edible. It is usually composed of bread, meat, cheese, lettuce, and other such vegetables and condiments, though alternative elements such as peanut butter and jelly are common. The composition score of a sandwich reflects the sandwich's ingredients and the ratios between them. While an aluminum composite panel is similar in structure and ingredient ratio to a grilled cheese, it falls short in its ingredient set. On the other hand, a chicken salad with croutons has a similar ingredient set to a chicken sandwich, but the ratios between them are less ideal. The search for the canonical set of ingredients and their golden ratio is ongoing, so scores for this facet tend to be more subjective (read: controversial) than others.

Geometry

The relative size and shape

An ideal sandwich can be held in one hand. It is approximately square in shape when viewed from above and rectangular when viewed from the side. The corners may or may not be rounded. While the ideal shape is axiomatic, the ideal size is relative to one's own hand and is therefore variable for each observer. A sandwich's geometry score reflects its distance from these ideal measurements - the higher the distance, the lower the score. As a broad example, a burger, a hotdog, and a sub are all lesser sandwiches than a turkey club. Each scores highly in structure and composition but strays from the ideal in size and shape.

Temporality

The relative timing

An ideal sandwich exists in the present. But what of a sandwich just consumed? Though it is no longer a sandwich in the traditional sense, it is, in a way, still a sandwich, because it once was a sandwich. And what of a sandwich being created? Though it is not yet a sandwich, it still has a high probability of becoming one. So it is that a not-yet sandwich must score the lowest in temporality, as there is no way to know for sure that it will ever come to be. The higher the probability of its sandwichdom the higher its score (a plate of bread, lettuce, tomato, and bacon is more likely to become an ideal sandwich than would be a block of lead). A once-was sandwich scores relatively higher still, but ultimately both a sandwich in the future and a sandwich in the past are less of a sandwich than a sandwich in the present.

Intellection

The concept

An ideal sandwich exists in thought as well as matter. The very notion of a sandwich was born of human minds, thus without intellection a sandwich cannot be. Indeed every sandwich was once but an idea - the idea of a BLT, the idea of a turkey club, the idea of a ham and swiss melt - their translation into matter nothing more than a detail of execution. In practice, applying scores to this facet is easier than one might think. In naive terms, the thought of a sandwich is more of a sandwich than the thought of a bowl of spaghetti.

The Critical Question: How Sandwichy is a Pop-Tart?

Structure

A Pop-Tart is on the verge of a structural ideal. Unfortunately its sealed sides confer a large penalty, though if one were to cut off the edges there would be little separating the structure of a Pop-Tart from the structure of a grilled cheese.

Composition

A Pop-Tart is essentially a jelly sandwich with the bread replaced by iced pastry. Being a single-ingredient sandwich, a jelly sandwich is compositionally less pure than (for example) a PB&J so the compositional purity of a Pop-Tart is by extension lesser still. A Pop-Tart still scores quite well compared to a bowling ball or a tuba.

Geometry

A Pop-Tart fits comfortably in the hand, however it is too rectangular from above and too thin from the side.

Temporality

For the sake of simplicity, the Pop-Tart in question is assumed to exist as such in the present.

Intellection

A Pop-Tart is not created to be a sandwich, though authorial intent does not preclude its intellection as a sandwich. In abstract terms, a Pop-Tart is a portable food thing filled with stuff. As a concept this is not very far removed from an ideal sandwich.